On good days, a smile can come easily. But, then there are days where they don’t. Some days are bright and you feel so light. You feel and see the majesty of life. On the good days, the past stays where it belongs, but on the bad it bleeds into your present. Staining your world red. You feel cursed, alone and hopeless; caught and chained to what you can’t control and never wanted. Submerged in silence, branded by it, and fear; in a life, you have somehow ended up in. But, still cannot recognize. Some days, are too dark and they are bleached of color. And, as alone as you feel, it just gets worse. But, then someone takes your hand, and says ‘you’re not alone’. And you remember, only you know how to hold the cosmos in your hands, lifting it all higher. All while balancing the harsh and cruel reality of our world on your shoulders. The secrets you held for too long came creeping back into your present. But, then the stars are there, you find yourself beneath the moon, looking up to them. You choose to see. These precious moments of beauty. Of this majesty and magic where we meet art and love and hope. And they all live amongst the stars. This is always worth fighting for.
Sadness is riding shotgun. It is its own drug. One you don’t choose to ingest. Nothing seems to be curing it. I have had a few good days lately but yesterday it returned and I find it’s riding shotgun while I fade. It is so hard trying to take care of yourself while you are being buried alive by a sadness and a numbness–punctuated only occasionally by an anger, that supersedes everything else. So what am I doing? I finished my post-break-up viewing of the Gilmore Girls (I only had the last episode left–yes I cried). Two days ago I finished reading Brave by Rose McGowan. Amazing book. Today, I watched Guardians of the Galaxy vol. 2, The Fifth Wave (which was amazing), and now in the background I have Big Trouble in Little China playing. Old movies always seem to have the ability to make me laugh. Really though, I’m numb, sad for many reasons–so many. I’m so caught up in each and every loss–so many things are out of my control and I’m tired of it. I’m so very tired.
Here’s to holding onto the seemingly foolish hope that tomorrow will be a better day.
You get pretty good handling everything; life, stress, illness, trauma….you sort of learn to smile and deal with your defective body, your screwed up past, the constant and debilitating pain and fatigue and dizziness you have. But then there are some days when things are just too much. Having chronic pain is like wearing a second skin-one made of lead and iron and blades. It is having multiple worlds on your shoulders consecutively which are prone to dislocating. And it is exhausting and some days, usually days between the middle and the end of a flare up, you are too exhausted to pretend life is anything but really hard and really sucky.
When days like these come you may find yourself alone, in bed, crying. Tears streaming down your face. If you are like me, you know these days are inevitable, they are going come. You are going to feel weak and beaten, and you need to know, on these days it is okay. It is okay to cry. It is okay to be tired. And sad. And frustrated. And fed up. It would is more than okay to cry and feel defeated as long as you know you aren’t. It is okay to give up on a moment or a day, even a week, or a month if that is what you need. The only thing that is not at all okay is giving up and not getting up.
On days like this, let yourself cry, there is not one ounce of shame in tears. In fact, it is the opposite, there is immense power in tears. They clean. They heal. Don’t feel bad for having bad days. Don’t tell yourself you are a failure. Instead, be gentle with yourself. As long as you are doing the best you can at any given moment, you are doing everything you should be.
There’s beauty everywhere. There’s a brilliance and wonder to each day, to each breath, to each moment. It’s all around us. This world we live in is filled not only with hardship, suffering and cruelty. It is filled with beauty and majesty and brilliance and love. In all places, in all situations, beauty can be found, love will endure, for those who look hard enough beauty will be found in the most unlikely places.
It is always there, hidden right before you, sometimes right out in the open.
You have to look for it though.
You have to remember to.
You have to believe it.
You have to allow yourself to be open to it.
To accept it.
To accept that beauty and love and brilliance and wonder are still here even in times like these when it feels like hatred and cruelty and fear have permeated and consumed our world.
The beauty is there.
Love is all around us.
It always has been and always will be. It is greater than everything else and you are living proof that this world holds more good than bad.
Even when it breaks you to do so.
And here I am. Alone. Trying to remember pain is not the enemy. That this sudden flare up isn’t going to last forever. That my life isn’t pointless. That it isn’t hopeless.
One mistake, one screw-up doesn’t mean you’ve failed, that you’ve lost. And, more importantly, one step backwards, one lapse in judgement, doesn’t have to negate all the progress that you have made.