Life

Life

Death takes us all in the end

It is up to us to make our lives mean something

Up to us to live our lives; not our parents lives,

Our friends lives, or society’s ideas of what our lives should be,

It is up to us and only us

It is hard to do—harder sometimes than others,

But by god is it ever worth it

K.J.G

Tonight is far too dark; the dark grey clouds have blocked the stars, and I am stranded in this misshaped life that I don’t quite belong in. At least, that’s how I feel right now. I feel so much different from everyone, so separate. So not right. So other. I feel so much more terrified and uncomfortable meeting new people, and I even feel this way around my friends. I feel like I am keeping heavy secrets and they are weighing me down. I feel so much more suspicious, so much less able to trust. Even the people I know are my friends…because, I’ve been burned so many times before, by people I’ve trusted. I feel like I have more secrets than anyone–I feel like I need to hide who I am because once someone gets to know me, they’ll want to hurt me or they’ll want to leave. Usually, they want to hurt me then leave. I know this isn’t true. But knowing something and feeling something are too very different things. And when you work everyday to fight off the darkness and the panic and the anxiety and the nightmares…well, fighting off these feelings can become too hard. I have too much going on. And, I’ve realized that I am back to living a lie during the day. The only person who really knew me, who could make me feel less broken, less separate is long gone…and on nights like this, I honestly have to wonder, if  he left because he knew me so well. I’m a puzzle piece that doesn’t fit. In my family, in my house, and it feels like sometimes, even with my friends.

I’m tired of being looked down on, made fun of, not cared for, being misunderstood and all together unwelcome in my own house. And the one thing that cuts the deepest, is that in the coming months, I am going to be forced to live with my abuser.

This may be only temporary but it is too much to deal with.

I just need to get away from this place and this life.

A Glass and Crystal Heart

A Crystal and Glass Heart

 

We played a game; I bet on you

The price was one glass heart

It was a hefty price

 

We played a betting game of trust

Catch; the only rule, was effortless

Catch the heart, made of glass, do not let it fall

 

Take out your heart and throw it high

But don’t worry, you promised,

This glass heart would be safe

 

Could I let it go?

I wondered, one night

Under the kind light of the moon

It had been fortified, cemented and

Hidden, locked inside a chest-safe

My scar tissue only just healed

But, what’s life without risk?

 

You promised that this would be safe

You promised you would catch it

At first, I refused; but your smile held the key

And your warm brown eyes, stopped hearts

I had faith; what was the point in living if

You only lived with half a heart

 

I believed that it was safe, held

In your sturdy hands

I couldn’t see how it would fall

 

So I watched and I saw; and I came to believe

That you were good—I came to know you well

Your past, who you had been, who you were,

And who, one day, you would become

Little did I realize, your inability to open up, to share

Would become so detrimental

 

Trust was laid down, brick by brick,

You built up these wall around us

As I fell for your imperfections

They made you, you.

They made you whole

Brilliant, wonderful and perfect in my eyes

 

It took too long for me to see,

Because when you look at sun directly,

Your vision tends to falter

The brilliance of its magnitude

Incomparable to anything

 

It took to long for me to see the truth

Coming at us, head first, like a truck

It wasn’t until after, when I lay in the wreckage,

That I could finally see

 

You didn’t care

You didn’t want this us we had created

Realization came too late but

Lying by omission will always still be lying

 

I let my glass heart fall-watched it roll from

Outstretched hands and with my whole heart, I chose,

I’d jump, I’d risk it all—dive in head first,

And, I’d see where I would land

I would accept life’s ebb and flow

No matter what it brought

I trusted you–you’d catch it

 

By this time, you know the story, it

Ends with a broken heart

This story has been heard before

Told a million times

But to me it had been new, a first,

Completely unexperienced

 

You stood still and watched

As my glass heart fell

Slowly, bringing darkness back to life

It shone like crystal lit by moonlight

 

Just before, it collided

With the bone-shattering impact

It broke apart, a tidal wave of shards

 

Millions of pieces, glittering, spreading onto the ground

I watched as you surveyed the damange

Not feeling as each shard cut into my skin

As I bled, you watched

 

Devastation and corruption,

My world fractured

Nothing would be the same

All I could do was watch

 

I felt the pull of darkness, crawling from the deep

So I looked for stars

They mirrored strength and courage

 

I kept my eyes trained above

The space you occupied, now empty

Scatted on the ground I seen a glimmer

Shattered remains of a heart shone

 

 

In the splinters, something happened

Pieces sparkled and converged

And, the end became a beginning

Becoming beautiful; becoming strength

A heart of crystal was forged

 

While loving you, I lost myself

And finally, I was found

 

K.J.G—April-2016

She

She walked in silence through a loud world that often did not make sense and often made mistakes. In solitude. she learned more about herself. and life, than she could have ever done if she had been living an outward life focused on immediate gain.

She had the power to paint a universe and create a world all on her own, with her two hands, she had the ultimate power to shape her life and share it with those she loved.

In her world, the past was very, very far away, it was no longer haunting her in the present, and the life she lived was of full beauty. Every opportunity that to her, was one she coveted and was grateful for. Life came in abundance and so did love. There was no more darkness in her life–yes, the past had been dark and she hadn’t known or believed that could survive it, but she did. And, then she somehow managed to get over it. It didn’t hurt anymore, and that was something she never thought could happen.

It left her with with a sort of peace; peace with herself and the life she was given. Things that happened to her, were horrible and dehumanizing, they had made her hate herself and everything she was. But through that, she learned again, how to love herself. Everything she was was a kind of existential beauty that encompassed the world. She didn’t have to think about the past anymore. It left her alone, she made peace with it. She was never faced with gruesome reminders of the abuse and suffering she had endured those long and never-ending years of childhood and her teenage years. She was an adult and in many ways that was the greatest freedom of all.

She never had to see his face again. Not if she didn’t want to, and more importantly, she no longer worried about others’ emotions and lives, more than her own. She recognized the place in her that was greater than all the pain and agony. She was able to finally let go of it–it never meant that what happened, didn’t affect her. Or that she had forgotten it. What it meant was that she was free for the first time in her long life.

Anger no longer slumbered in the pit of her stomach. She no longer feared for her safety and her ability to protect herself and her body.

Life was not only peaceful but it was wonderful. Filled with laughter, warmth, independence, love and a true family. Something that her father had ruined long ago.

She knew that letting go, forgiveness, and giving someone another chance could be done. As long as you were strong enough to take the first step. But she also knew that she never had to give someone else a second chance if she didn’t want them in her life but never again would she believe that she couldn’t. She was stronger than that. It took her a long time to be able to create this life-but now that it was safe from violence, physical, emotional and sexual abuse, and it was peaceful and all right, she would never go back to the life she lived before.

The one with violence, violation, isolation, the constant reminders, the pressure from family to forgive, forget and push it under the rug…never again would she feel that way. And, none of that mattered anymore. She lived her life as she wanted to. It was finally her life, she was in control and loved every second of it.

The future was always bright, never surrounded with a darkness so complete she felt an overwhelming power telling her she needed to end it all.

Sometimes I think we forget as species how connected we all are. Scrolling through Tumblr today, I see echoes of what other people feel and what I have felt or feel right now. A picture that says: The hardest part is missing someone you used to talk to everyday. Or it was something to that effect.

Those words are echoes of what I’ve felt. It is a feeling, I’m sure that all of us will or have felt. It is a yearning mixed with pain and longing that has taken root inside my heart and life. I want to desperately to talk to this person, sometimes–we used to talk everyday. Every hour, almost.

What is amazing though, is that this picture I seen came from someone else’s blog-someone else feels that same thing as I do, and it is incredible to think about that because of what it means. And what it means, is that no, I am not as alone as I feel.

To me, that is powerful. Sometimes all I can do is just stop for a moment because a wonder and awe comes over me and all I can do is marvel at the magnificence of this amazing world we live in. Not only is this world amazing, but humanity is too. We are very deeply flawed, we have done, and continue to do, unspeakable things to ourselves as a species, as individuals, as a group…to animals, to the world…. To everything we’ve come in contact with. But, despite that, we’ve also created, healed, and helped and made beautiful things. We are worth saving, no matter what many people believe.

This one picture came from some guy I never met. We are bonded over this very innate human feeling–a strong desire to talk to someone we loved, but for whatever reason, no longer have. And that is pretty amazing. We are all connected to one another–even though, we tend to believe we are oh-so-separate from anyone else-we really aren’t. We all want love, acceptance, equality, fair treatment, life, happiness, and we all experience pain, sorrow and heartbreak.

This is the beauty of the human condition. We can feel so much-so completely and utterly alone but when it comes down to it, someone else has felt what we’ve felt before. And they’ve survived it.

And I think that is beautiful.

That concept, alone.