Tonight is far too dark; the dark grey clouds have blocked the stars, and I am stranded in this misshaped life that I don’t quite belong in. At least, that’s how I feel right now. I feel so much different from everyone, so separate. So not right. So other. I feel so much more terrified and uncomfortable meeting new people, and I even feel this way around my friends. I feel like I am keeping heavy secrets and they are weighing me down. I feel so much more suspicious, so much less able to trust. Even the people I know are my friends…because, I’ve been burned so many times before, by people I’ve trusted. I feel like I have more secrets than anyone–I feel like I need to hide who I am because once someone gets to know me, they’ll want to hurt me or they’ll want to leave. Usually, they want to hurt me then leave. I know this isn’t true. But knowing something and feeling something are too very different things. And when you work everyday to fight off the darkness and the panic and the anxiety and the nightmares…well, fighting off these feelings can become too hard. I have too much going on. And, I’ve realized that I am back to living a lie during the day. The only person who really knew me, who could make me feel less broken, less separate is long gone…and on nights like this, I honestly have to wonder, if  he left because he knew me so well. I’m a puzzle piece that doesn’t fit. In my family, in my house, and it feels like sometimes, even with my friends.

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