You’re too tired to do very much of anything, and you’re sore. Constant pain that ravages your body–at times it is debilitating, but today, it’s just a constant demonstration of what pain your body can cause you. You close your exhausted eyes and see the pain light up like a Christmas light display. One of those ones tuned to music, maybe, if only to make it happier.
Boy, does it ever hurt.
Now you’re in your public library, not doing much of anything really, you’re holding your bag but it is starting to feel like it is weighted down. You know it isn’t, but with every step it gets heavier.
And you’re walking. Taking sure strides. But with every footfall you feel the growing dizziness and nausea rising. You know why it’s happening but that doesn’t help. You’ve had tons of water today, tons of salt and yet it isn’t helping. You can feel the blood beginning to pool in your feet too, you know it’s starting to, because the familiar pain is starting up again. You’re going to need to sit down. Of course, you can barely see straight at this point. Every other moment you need to close your eyes as everything goes black and there is this noise encompassing you–like someone has turned on a white noise box in your head.
That white noise symptom, is fairly new.
The pain is there too, you haven’t forgotten about that yet–you can never forget about that, it feels like your body is laced with blades–every time you take a step or move your shoulder or head or neck…well any part of your body, you feel that stabbing, aching, sharp, pain and try not to become more tense. You know stress always makes it worse.
Everything is hurting now. You’re getting hot too–uncomfortably hot it has to do with the fact your body is working so hard to achieve–what to most people–is so little. You’ve barely done anything today. You’ve written a bit. Not as much as you wanted–because it hurts; the typing is bad….almost every time your finger presses down on a button you can feel your fingers dislocating or slipping and getting close to it.
Other than the writing you’ve pretty much done nothing, you went for what may have been a five minute walk. Five minutes! That is it. And you remember the days you used to jog for half an hour…those days are gone you know. Long gone, according to most doctors. The jogging was what played a part in the flare up this genetic dysfunction that you had had your entire life. And yet, the one every single doctor–definitely over 100 missed what was inherently defective in you. 100 doctors and medical professionals, missed it. You knew something was wrong. You’ve always known. After all, you’ve never been healthy, you started at sick kids when other kids started school.
But back to now, you walk along the aisles–you are holding a few books but you need to sit down. You are not doing good at all, you’re sweating it’s like you’re running a marathon. You feel sick, from the exertion, the dizziness, the pain, and probably a million other things.
Without really seeing where you’re going you find yourself collapsing into a chair, breathing heavily, the pain shooting off in different directions in your body, lighting up every nook and cranny you didn’t know could ever hurt so much. You have to close your eyes, the light is too glaring, the noise is too loud, the pain is overwhelming, your head is spinning, you feel like you’re going to be sick. And that white noise is back in full force as the blackness over takes your vision.
Your eyes are closed.
When you finally can breathe a little easier, the pain has settled from the time of not moving, and the world has straightened out, a bit…finally, you lean your head back against the chair, and you look around at the rows of books and those who walk freely all through them. Everything is on fire. Razor blades lodged in your major joints. Your ankles throb. But the blood pooling is less.
Someone sits down beside you, you don’t know them, and you start to wonder.
What would it be like to have one day where you weren’t sick and in pain.