I don’t ever want to be just one thing.

To be described as something that downplays who I am. Writer, sister, artist, friend, rat-lover, bookworm, geek, woman, human, lover, dreamer, strong, funny, hopeful, disabled; the list could go on.

The singular paths so many women (and men) take often lead to unhappiness because they focus on one aspect of their lives and because of this they lack overall happiness and fulfillment. You have to allow yourself to be as you as you possibly can. You are too great a presence to be one thing. No matter how great that one thing may be, you’re more than it. You’re a complex simplicity, made of cells, blood and stardust, you are greater than you could ever know. You cannot be organized and slipped into Ikea boxes and placed on a shelf.

I am multi-faceted person and I don’t like being shoved in boxes. Though the pull to give in to being “one thing” can be strong, the urge to settle down can be compelling, don’t do it. You can get so much if you only try.

Too often, we give up on our dreams–on what matters to us because of reasons and excuses and sometimes because of outside forces.

So hold tight to who you are, every messy inch. Because without those messes you wouldn’t be whole.

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July 3: Alone

 

Tonight is a hard night.

I don’t know why.

Well actually I do.

I spent the day with my mom and dad and while that is a nice thing for some people when you are constantly stuck hanging out with your mom and dad, things get tiresome. Especially considering the past.

 

The last couple of weeks I’ve been writing. Writing, writing and writing. I’ve been sending out short stories and have been working on my book as well. I had a major breakthrough a couple days ago. One that’s going to possibly mark the final-final draft of my book. I still have major doubts of course, but that’s hardly consequential.

With summer break now here, things have been going along–well, the opposite of swimmingly. So that’s not fun. My siblings and I don’t get along much and while I am living with my mom due to health reasons, this creates a lot of problems. My mom, as much as I love her, has never really been one to follow through. Meaning, my brother and sister get away with a lot. I’m sure–to some degree–I do as well. But there are certain lines you don’t cross–even if your a sibling, seems that mine don’t seem to care.

So I’ve been trying to find more things to do, in order to get out of the house. Let me tell you, gaining independence back after loosing it so completely, is very challenging.

To top that isolation and alienation off, there’s also the fact that I’m out of my city away from everything I know and love/hated. And my favorite people are busy. There lives have taken off, whereas mine, feels like it has come to a slow stop. There’s been a lot of good going on in my life, a lot of bad too I guess there’s just a lot to handle and figure out on my own. And sadly, no one to celebrate with.

But even though it feels like my life has become stagnant, I know it hasn’t. I’ve sent out three short stories–started reworking my book, begun the process of finding a job that I can do given my disabilities, and I’ve also volunteered at my local library. This month my mom and I have decided to participate in a vegan challenge–meaning we’re going to eat vegan for the month.

Though that’s a challenge in and of itself.

We’ve also decided to get back to the gym. As I can’t go alone right now, we’ll be teaming it. I’ve been reading some great books–some not so great books, and frankly downright disappointing books, but still, lot’s of amazing books. Don’t know if you’ve ever read Man’s Search For Meaning by Victor Frankl but of all the book you need to read, this one should be top priority.

Also, the Throne of Glass series by Sarah J Maas is absolutely incredible. She is one of the most talented new writers I’ve read in a long time. Her books and narrative flow and the epic fantasy is amazing. And that world building! Let’s just say there’s a lot to love about this book series.

I know that things will look better in the morning, but tonight hasn’t been the easiest. And the doctor’s appointment I had is weighing heavy on me tonight.

 

Trapped, alone

Shackled to a body

That can’t comprehend

Waiting for the victories

Which I have promised

Waiting for the change

That I want to be and see

Waiting for a life I don’t yet know

Knowing that I’ll make it

One way or another

By failure or success

Either will do

Because the only way to fail

Is to not try