Hey guys! So I wrote an article! Check it out, let me know what you think!
“Have faith in whatever it is you believe in. There’s faith in knowing that bad times don’t last forever. Time will change the things that need to be changed, and the bad times will go away. Have faith that no matter what comes your way, you will be able to handle it with courage and grace. Know, and have hope, that things will get better.”
A first my plan was to take a year off before I pursue higher education–before I go to university. But somehow in the last little while the pressure has gotten to me and I consciously or unconsciously decided that I would only be taking off one semester. Meaning, my new goal was to go back to school January 2017.
The schools that I’ve been looking at have been disappointing and some promising. But the fact remains true that I am sick, disabled, and going to school so soon might not be the greatest option for me. Especially considering I still have tests that I have to go through to get a more complete answer as to what is wrong. Going to school two hours away from home isn’t exactly possible at this time. And I don’t know when or if it will ever be possible.
I don’t exactly know what the future holds. I’ll have to figure it out along the way.
I guess what makes this so hard is that I had a plan.
Go to college. Go to university. Graduate. Become a published author. At some point along the way, I wanted to fall in love. Get married. Work as a full time writer. And one day have kids.
I had a blueprint for my life. And no matter how much I may want it to go like that. It just isn’t going to happen.
I guess what I’m going through–the having to revamp my plans, is a lot like what the main character Jane in Jane the Virgin had to go through. Though obviously a very dramatic (and amazing) show what I wanted for my life isn’t going to happen the way I wanted it to. And I know that I’m just going to have to deal with this and get over it but that is much easier said than done.
I need to change my plans–adjust to what life has thrown at me.
Once I do that, I’ll be able to breathe easier. And won’t spend all night awake and anxious.
In less than a month my little sister turns seventeen, we haven’t really been getting along well lately, this past year has been one of the worst years in regards to us. We used to be best friends. But now, she has my brother’s girlfriend. There’s quite an age difference between us, but that’s besides the point.
I think I’ve finally figured out what I’m going to get her for her birthday, which is a huge accomplishment, I’m trying not to stress too much about it right now. She is a huge fan of Ronda Rousey and I found some pretty extraordinary shops of Etsy that sell some awesome handmade, unique merchandise all pertaining to her great hero. Including one that sells religious-style candles but instead of Jesus or Mary with the open heart thing happening, Ronda Rousey is there, in all her extreme saint-like bad-ass glory. So I’m thinking that that will be the perfect present for her–it’s awesome, kinda funny, and right up her alley.
In other news, this summer has been crazy and I’ve barely been able to post anything. Of course, that’s partially because I wanted a break from sharing things online. I find that every once and awhile a break is needed.
But things have been both good and bad, I’ve been happy some moments and sad the next. The depression has come back full force which is unfortunate. And health-wise, I’ve been deteriorating, right now as I type I have a neck brace on. This neck brace has been on more than it hasn’t for the past week. And the pain isn’t getting much better.
I’ve also come to the unfortunate realization that despite the fact I thought I was dealing and accepting my new diagnosis, I wasn’t. For the past year, I’ve been ignoring it. Trying to live in this pseudo-reality I created independent from real life. Getting farther away from myself. Distracting myself. And the truth is, I don’t even know how to begin to accept this.
I get angry a lot lately and though it’s completely normal-I despise it. I have Ehlers Danlos Syndrome and because Doctors missed it for 22 years–dismissing me, ignoring me, blaming it on Madelung’s Deformity (which I also have). Despite the warning signs, no one seen it. But that isn’t even why I’m so mad and completely-emotionally destroyed. It’s because I don’t want to have this. As much as I try to make sense of it, sometimes no logic can be applied to it. Everyday is a struggle. Some days the world gets darker but despite that, I will never give up and I will find a way to live with these new diagnoses. EDS and POTS. As one of a good friend of mine says; I may have EDS but EDS doesn’t have me.