Today, it appears, is one of those days that pass by in a haze of pain, nausea, and longing.
Longing to be somewhere else–be someone else. Longing to be stronger, better, freer, healthier. Longing to be working towards my goals. Longing to just be working. To be healthy enough to work. As a Professor or a teacher-teaching English and Creative Writing. Longing to be making an positive impact in this messy world. To be helping people. Longing for people to see. Longing to be able to connect with someone on the most basic human level.
The pain has been unbearable lately, the stagnation even worse.
Friends are flying by, living their lives, getting things done, and I’m stuck. In braces. In my body. In pain. And, I’m so very exhausted. Not that I’m ever able to sleep.
I’ve been trying to stay upbeat. To stay positive. Things in my house and family life have gone to hell in a hand-basket, in someways, I’m still trying to get caught up. I try to accept that even if I’m not currently in school, studying I am doing some great stuff. I work for an online magazine-though that is becoming increasingly difficult, I’m attending writing workshops, author talks, writers clubs. And even though I’m not yet living where I want to be slowly I’m inching along. Sure, it may be at a snails pace, but at least it is (sort of) progress.
I know I’m not the only one that feels this way.
I know I’m not the only one who made plans for themselves…and fell drastically short of them. When I was younger the plan was simple and straightforward. Just like life would be.
Oh how wrong I was.
The world isn’t linear. It isn’t simple. It’s highly complex, though, perhaps in a simplistic way. And, just when you think you have something figured out, life does a 180 and changes it all over again.
I thought I was getting better–health-wise turns out I may be getting worse. Again.
Truthfully, I don’t know how to handle this.
I’m floundering. Trying and failing to stay above the water as the stagnant water pulls at me. I’m feeling very alone. Ironically, I’m the one in my house that everybody is looking to for strength-or as a sounding-board. At least that’s how it feels sometimes. With my mom incapacitated, my sister in her own world, my brother stuck at home-dealing with what I believe is undiagnosed depression and anxiety, some days, I’m the only one left standing.
But one thing I’ve realized is that maybe forced positivity isn’t the way to go. We have to honor our feelings-even the unpleasant ones. So get mad at the world. Cry, if you need to. Let the emotions out. Don’t bottle them up.