Sometimes I wonder if life is really supposed to be this hard. It feels a little like each facet of life is tearing me in a different direction. My mind has become loud as a Subway station at five o’clock on a friday. I feel lost. I need some peace and tranquility. I need a break from worries about family, friends, careers, health, the city, people, the frustration and anger of constant, chronic pain, the loneliness and isolation it causes, the stress of going to university and of having to prepare to live on my own away from my family, the doctors appointments, the stress and suffering of illness and depression, the ever-gnawing knowledge that I might need surgery again…there really isn’t any part of life that isn’t screaming at me right now. The pressure and stress is intense.
I long for the type of peace and quiet, and beauty, only the northern woods can bring. I yearn to get lost on trails and forget about city life, my petty problems, and the substantial ones too. I want to get back to what life is really about; I want to remember. I want to be able to close my my eyes and not hear traffic outside my window. I want to walk out my front door and be surrounded by trees and foliage. I want to hear birds during the day and see stars at night. I want to be able to watch the sun’s descent and watch the moon rise. I wish to hear the gentle lapping of a lake at noon against a dock and walk a trail and find river rocks–smoothed and perfect. I need to breathe in fresh, cool air filled with the scent of pine and cedar, and I need to remember.
It is a different type of life up there–one I love so much more, it’s one that opens my eyes, and lightens my mind. Up there, it’s life that matters-nothing else. And everyone is much more relaxed up there. I just need a break from everything especially the city.
Sometime around May I have plans to go back to Warblers Roost. Which, incidentally, is the Blog I *adore* writing for (if you haven’t already check them out at Warblers Roost Blog Posts). I can not wait. I am eager and ecstatic to get back up there. Last time, which was the first time, I was there, it was nothing short of an incredible, eye-opening adventure. I learned so much. I grew. Plus, the amount of writing I got done, I’m still proud of. I’ve yet to surpass that incredible milestone I edited three chapters in one week. Since coming back, writing has been much harder. For the last few months, I’ve been mostly silent on all social media fronts because my mental health took a turn for the worse. Things have just been too hard. Which is another reason, I want to get away for a bit. Warblers Roost is the best writing retreat I’ve been on. Full disclosure, it’s one of the only ones I’ve ever been on, but that’ll change eventually. The people, the land, the lake, it is all beautiful. There is something freeing about that place. Something that even numbs the chronic pain the slightest bit. It is beautiful and freeing…living somewhere the trees outnumber the houses is my biggest dream. And, northern Ontario is home for me.
The only thing is, that it’s in May.
Which right now, mine as well be eons away.