Life Lately

Lately things have been better in so many ways…but in other ways they’ve also gotten worse. Now that the antidepressants are out of my system I have gone back to feeling. I’ve rejoined the world. I’ve been able to remember myself. To remember who I am. And everyday I am more grateful for that fact.

Though I wouldn’t change anything about the past few months, getting off cymbalta was the best decision I’ve made in years, this new found sight has also allowed PTSD to come back full force. The reality is almost everyday something ends up triggering me.

For example, a friend, has invited me to stay down at his place, we are both stargazers–though I suspect he is less interested than I am in staring at the stars, and he invited me to stay at his place for the solar eclipse and the preceding meteor shower.

I decided not to go. Then he asked me again. I said I would consider and since that moment I have been in a state of panic and terror. I haven’t had good experiences with men and the last guys house I stayed over at became a living nightmare. To even consider it takes a level of trust I never thought I would ever allow myself to feel again for a guy.

I’ve spent the last hour trying to talk myself down from this edge. Spent the last hour reminding myself that even though I am reliving countless terrors in my mind, I am not who I was. He is nothing like anyone I’ve trusted before and we’ve been friends for awhile now.

He’s suggested that one day when or rather if I am ever ready to we could become more than that. But he’s never pushed me. Never forced me into anything. Never pressured me–except to read Contact by Carl Sagan which he was completely right about, it is an amazing story.

This fear I’m feeling now will end up becoming just something else I’ve overcome, one day. This will get easier. Of that, I am certain.

Advertisements

I am

      devastated. 

Grief-stricken 

Alone. 

Alone

Alone 

     alone in dealing with this. 

                            Again. 

am 

alone. 

Relapsing. 

Terror and panic say I need to run. 

                  ….or at least escape……

Drowning. 

And what do they say? 

Think happy thoughts and it won’t happen again. 

All

As I 

am dragged 

  back

      into the 

               nightmares 

             that were once my daily reality.  

The ones each one let happen.  

What We Don’t Say

We hide from ourselves. We fear not only our own darkness but our light. Our vulnerabilities lead to insecurities and we believe them to be weaknesses. Yet, the secret is they are our greatest untapped strength. Yet, there’s nothing that requires more strength than owning your flawed, imperfect human soul. And don’t let them fill you, nothing requires as much courage as admitting you’re flawed, that you’ve been broken, that you need help. That you’re scared. The greatest kept secret is that we’re all scared and yet vey few of us are brave enough to admit that. No matter where you are in life you do not have all the answers.  You can’t. You never will. These things, this fear, our vulnerabilities we don’t talk about. This is something that needs to change. Stop being paralyzed by fear and let it drive you forward.